hmmm

Why is it that I do not feel a day over 16 ?
I still feel as disconnected, lost and naive as I did then.
I'm in a constant state of uncertainty.
My plans always seem to fall through the cracks.My desires and wants are not fulfilled. What do I need to do to get what I want?

And at some point, a few months ago, I felt as if I had awakened. But from what and into what? My dreams seem to be much more safer than reality, as bizarre and lucid that they can be at times. Another birthday has come and gone with no real wanted surprises and more loneliness than ever. I have not felt more of black sheep than I did this birthday. My vacation is going to be over in 4 days and I haven't done one exciting thing all week.

Email reminders and notifications have replaced the element of truly knowing, "Oh It's so & so's birthday! Let's surprise them with a party" or what have you. And it's not like if it was better for me before that. I'm told to speak up for myself but when I do, it still doesn't benefit me in anyway. My friends are sparse, and I haven't done a good job creating new ones.

I'm approaching 30 pretty quick here and it's clear to me that I have to plan something for myself for that day, next year. Because as usual,leave it to some one else and it won't get done or just get fucked up in the process. In the words of Ferris Bueller, "How's that for being born under a bad sign?"